MIA Part Two: Learning Who You Are

First published on July 9, 2008.

So another reason I was missing in action for two weeks (even though, I say again to the empty echo-chamber of a deserted readership, I don't think anyone really noticed): a visit to Louisville for my grandfather's funeral.

Sad as this sounds—and much as the past couple of posts might, um, bring the mood down a bit—I feel that this was, in a pure, unselfish way, a happy thing. He lived nearly 95 years in comfort and amazingly good health. He left the world in his sleep, at home, in his own bed, surrounded by people who loved him. If you accept—as we all must in our own way—that this life will end at some point, you've got to be happy for someone who has it end the way it did for my grandfather.

Plus, I have been blessed with a gain to equal the loss—new information about my grandfather, things I never knew and am proud to know now. And this information, in turn, tells me things that—incredibly, gloriously, awe-inspiringly—tell me more about myself.

MIA Part One: Overthinking Motherhood

First published July 7, 2008

I've been gone a long, long time. Two weeks. Which, in this still-new-to-me world of blogging is, like, an eternity. Good thing I haven't launched yet so likely the only people who've noticed my silence are the kind friends who will stick with me no matter what and were maybe even kind of relieved to have a break from my ramblings, even though they'd never tell me so to my face.

There are several reasons for my being MIA. And each of them is so full of thoughts on motherhood and self—like a big, juicy, overripe elephant plum, mostly sweet, but likely to make your eyes water and your mouth pucker if you get too close to the pit—that they all deserve their own post. Which leaves me writing singularly today about something that's a little scary to highlight with its own post, stranded alone and naked without the comforting cover of other, less fraught topics to lessen its impact and present it in its true, almost-manageable light.

But it's what's on my mind right now, and a big chunk of the writing paralysis. So.

Reason Number One for why I've been MIA: a miscarriage.*

[* Which turned out to be a misdiagnosis.  Thankfully, I rejected the resident's demand that I have an immediate DNC and am now looking at my 4-and-a-half-year-old daughter.]

I'm Really Here, Now (Even in Wal-Mart)

First published June 23, 2008

What surprised me as I stood in a Wal-Mart off I-40 in Hickory, North Carolina, was not so much that I was standing in a Wal-Mart off I-40 in Hickory, North Carolina. The exigencies of a Blankie left far behind at school can leave one in some pretty surprising places. What surprised me was that I didn't really, that much, mind being in a Wal-Mart in Hickory, North Carolina.

Mothers, Daughters, and "The Eye of the Tiger": How a Bad Song from 1982 Moved Me Closer to Stillness

First published June 16, 2008

On Father's Day morning, when I started the car in the parking lot of EarthFare (Asheville's local Whole Foods-ish place I love to shop for groceries even though we really can't afford it), I had one of those delicious moments that happens when Eye of the Tiger comes on the radio.

Driving with the Brakes On

First published June 12, 2008

I had a Very Bad Mother Moment walking Jake home from school yesterday.

At Least Now I Can Eat Dinner at a Normal Time, or Something I Can Actually Control

First published June 10, 2008

Most people probably consider it an obvious choice to eat dinner with your child. It is, after all, the foundation of all those sitcoms we grew up with, isn't it? Remember Richie Cunningham ... eating hamburgers at Arnold's restaurant with The Fonz. Or ... the hijinks taking place in the otherwise unused kitchen during those forbidden episodes of Three's Company I snuck up past my bedtime to watch.

Now that I think about it, the only dinner eating on television I can remember seemed to take place during the once-a-year Thanksgiving episodes of Friends. Okay, so maybe that explains why, until last night, dinner as a family wasn't part of our family ritual.

Is There Such a Thing as a Graceful End to Vacation?

First published June 9, 2008

I can't say I remember ever having had a graceful end to any vacation in my life.

A Little Grey's Anatomy, A Little Kindness

First published May 30, 2008

I know how this sounds, but I'm going to say it anyway. Yesterday I paid more attention to Grey's Anatomy than to my child. Just a little bit more. And just for a little while. And only because I really, really needed to.