Any moment now, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece are going to arrive at my house.
I am, I report with pleasure and a little bit of pride, not in complete meltdown mode, despite just now sitting down to write when there's really no time left to do so. While this was my priority when I woke up this morning, I somehow found it more pressing to clean the shredded bits of tennis ball off the living room floor and toss the yogurt-smeared tablecloth in the washing machine. Then I noticed the diaper pail odor emanating from Jake's room and attacked it with a bottle of orange-scented Seventh Generation bathroom cleaner (perhaps not intended for use on plastic diaper pails, but bathroom functions are bathroom functions). As long as I was paying attention to things I should clean far more often in Jake's room, I figured I ought to give his sheets a wash -- which is harder than it sounds because the organic crib mattress we bought for him seems to be just a half an inch bigger than the standard crib mattress, so that lifting it up enough to change the sheet requires a certain amount of grit. And there was the dishwasher to unload, the huge, plastic screw organizer to move from the kitchen counter to the sun porch that has become one giant tool box, the winter coats to transfer from hallway hooks to the deep storage of the coat closet.
Do I seem nervous?
There's nothing wrong with letting visitors shake us out of our "what mess?" torpor. But there's a certain edge of something else when the visitors are relatives, especially the ones we inherited by marriage.
Did I worry this much before we had Jake? I just don't think so.
There are so many layers to trying to be a mother in front of your partner's mother. Especially one who was as good at it as my mother-in-law was. Really good. Also, I discovered on her first post-Jake visit, different from me. Of course, every mother is different. But, still, if my mother-in-law mothered differently from me, and she was a good mother, what kind of mother does that make me?
If you're reading this without your mother or mother-in-law in the house, you are probably calmly saying, "Why can't you both be good mothers?" Try asking yourself the same question next time you're in my shoes. Unless you don't think much of your own mother's or mother-in-law's parenting skills. In which case, I'm sure you will have no trouble finding someone else who makes you feel similarly inadequate.
It's one thing to follow our own path, and it's another to look up and see that someone else is
following a different one. A fundamental way our minds work is by comparison. A child begins to understand who he is by recognizing that other people are different beings from him. And before you know it, he's attaching labels to others' differences. And with those labels, in short order, comes judgment.
It reminds me of my first year of law school (when people are not so very different from developing infants, in temperament at least). I kept telling myself that I must have known how to study reasonably well, since I got good grades in college and got into law school. But all around me, people were screaming that I had to study differently from how I had in the past. They were all rushing to study groups, briefing every case they read, spending their beer money on commercial outlines, and generally making me feel very, very insecure. It didn't matter what I knew in my heart; my mind convinced me that if there was a different way it was probably better.
And so it is with relatives. You know you're a good mother; you get to the point where you can hold your head up with a certain amount of self-assurance when you drop your child off at daycare. But somehow none of it's good enough when another good mother who happens to be related to you shows up. It doesn't matter how certain you are that you're a good mother who makes good choices; you start to wonder whether everyone else thinks so as well.
I realize I'm saying two things here, probably because I feel like I've found a way to push away the thoughts of the first so my mind tossed the second at me. The first is: "I don't feel like a good mother around someone I know is a good mother because somehow we can't both be good mothers if we're different." To be honest, I do feel like a good mother, even when my own mother is suggesting I'm not.
So along comes the corollary: "I know I'm a good mother. But does my mother-in-law know it?"
The answer is, yes. She tells me all the time. And yet. I fear judgment because I heap it upon myself. Why? Because I'm human.
Non-judgment
Who hasn't learned that the easiest way to feel better about yourself is to judge others? It's probably the only thing I learned in high school that I actually remember.
Well, no one said yoga was easy. But it does offer a better way to feel good about yourself without putting other people down to do it. And when I say "putting other people down" I'm not talking about the high-strung depressive saying nasty things about other people in a lofty tone of voice while you cringe in a corner because, while you might have learned this stuff in high school, you managed to grow up somewhere along the way.
I'm talking about the habit we all have, no matter how subtle, no matter how kind hearted, of judging other people, even if we ultimately proclaim them okay.
For example, when I arrive at Jake's school during snack time I look at what the other kids are eating, initially for ideas of what I can offer him. But when I see the scary bright purple and green goldfish on one child's plate, I immediately pat myself on the back for refusing to serve my child junk food. And then, being a yoga-centered person, I remind myself not to judge and allow that this child's mother has lovingly chosen perfectly nutritious food for her.
Or I listen to the mother yelling at her child in the airport bathroom and want to cry because I am convinced that child has lived without an ounce of soft affection and understanding his entire life. It takes a good while for me to convince myself that just maybe that mother was exhausted and frustrated by travel and uncharacteristically snapped just this once. Maybe that's not the case, but if ever I'm the mother yelling in the airport bathroom it will be. And will anyone know? Or will they just judge me as I have judged this mother?
So. We judge others because we are human. And because we judge others we expect to be judged ourselves. Being devoted yoga practitioners, we notice ourselves judging and let the judgment go. And, naturally, it comes back, perhaps less frequently, maybe less sharply, but without fail. And we continue to practice.
The problem is, sometimes you find yourself in a situation where feeling judged really throws you off your game and it's harder than ever to practice non-judgment. Like when your mother-in-law is visiting.
Such times call for a little extra intervention.
Savasana (corpse pose) meditation
Those of us who have a regular asana practice know savasana, corpse pose, as that period of blessed rest at the end of a good practice when you let your body relax deeply and absorb your practice.
But your practice, remember, is far more than the asanas you've performed for just an hour and a half out of your day. It's the emotions those asanas help release, the balance between future and past, the being in the now, the quieting of your mind. It is, for the purposes of this discussion, the practice of recognizing when you are judging, stopping, and then recognizing when you naturally judge again.
It seems to me I have two choices when I get wound up about being judged (no doubt 90% of it by myself). Either I can draw on the lessons of high school and judge right back in order to satisfy my mind that I'm a good mother. Or I can draw on the lessons of yoga and let my practice of non-judgment sink in.
I know which one I choose. And if I slip in the next few days, well, that's just more practice in not judging myself for judging someone else because I fear they are judging me.
Savasana (corpse pose)
It's easy to forget that savasana is a pose just like any other. What an opportunity, then, to truly appreciate it when relatives are visiting and you feel stretched thin and pulled away from your life and like you need to prove you're a good mother and the only yoga you have time for is lying on the floor of your bedroom practicing savasana before going to bed. If your partner tells you you are being crazy, assure him or her that you are trying to make yourself just the opposite.
1) Lie on your back on your mat. If you have a tight lower back, it may feel good to place a rolled up blanket under your knees. If your heart is feeling particularly closed in, you may roll a blanket along its longer edge and place it under your spine, putting a kink in it where your neck rests.
2) Close your eyes and take a few minutes to find the pose. Lift your right leg slightly off the floor and let it stretch away from your pelvis at a 45 degree angle (roughly toward the lower corner of your mat). Do the same with your left leg.
3) Lift your right arm to create space for a gentle shoulder roll, bringing your shoulder blade underneath you to support your heart. As with your legs, make space between your arm and your shoulder socket before letting the arm rest on the mat, palm up, at roughly a 45 degree angle from your body. Do the same with your left arm.
4) Roll your head gently from side to side until you find a comfortable resting place, Make sure your neck is long by very slightly tucking your chin and then releasing. Swallow to relax your throat.
5) Take a moment to feel your body. Start to scan it slowly in your mind's eyes, finding places where you are gripping, and letting them go.
6) Notice the moments when your heart lifts. When you have finished your scan, return to the presence of your heart energy and let it flow.
A Meditation Exercise
Now comes the hardest and most important part of the pose -- relaxing your mind.
1) Focus on the pause right after you exhale and before you inhale. Don't draw it out. Just observe it. Note how at this one moment you are perfectly still.
2) When you have found this stillness, observe the stillness right after your inhale and before you exhale. Notice what happens to your body and mind during this short moment of stillness.
3) After you have found your stillness, see if you can maintain it during your exhales. Feel as though the exhale is moving through your body into the ground.
4) When and if you have found this stillness, see if you can maintain it during your inhales. Feel as though the inhale is moving through your body from the air around you.
5) Notice what happens when you are still. Feel the energy of the Universe that now moves through you unimpeded. Let it lift your heart and release your heart energy.
6) Observe the ways the energy moves through your body and open to it.
7) Spend some time watching your heart open and release its own beautiful energy. It may unfold like a million-petaled lotus flower. Let this energy join the energy that is flowing through you.
Coming out of Savasana
1) When you are ready, return your mind one more time to your heart. Recognize your own beauty, your peace, your center. This is you without the need to find yourself by comparison to other people.
2) Become conscious again of your breath, deepening it and sending it into your body. Become aware of the shape of your body with a new appreciation of its beauty.
3) Very gently, as if moving for the first time, let your fingers and toes move. Try not to let this bodily movement disrupt the stillness of your mind and soul.
4) As you are ready, let the movement travel into your arms and legs. Continue to focus your mind on remaining still and remembering the beauty and peace and centeredness of your heart.
5) Bend your right elbow and start to stretch your right arm overhead. At the same time bend your right knee toward your chest and then your left knee. This circle of action will roll you onto your right side in fetal position.
6) Remain here for a moment with your head pillowed on your right arm. So often, I see yoga students immediately move toward the end of class. Instead, remain here and think of yourself as a snow globe that has been shaken when you rolled onto your right side. Let all the crystals settle back down again as you regain your sense of stillness.
7) As you lie on your right side, notice how your left arm naturally crosses in front of your heart, sealing your practice. It is this protection that allows you to move into the rest of your life and your house full of relatives with an open heart.
8) When you have found your stillness, keeping your eyes closed, find your way to a comfortable seated position.
9) Once again, let the crystals settle and find your stillness. It helps to rest your hands on your knees, palms down, first finger and thumb touching to bring your attention inside.
10) When you have found your stillness, release your hands and stretch them to the side, palms up. Circle them until your palms meet overhead, drawing in all the lovely energy you have created.
11) When your palms meet overhead, draw them straight down to rest in front of your heart in angeli mudra, prayer position. Recognize that in this position your are offering your heart. Know that when you offer your heart to others, they will offer their hearts to you. There's no need to judge because you share the same heart energy.
12) Finally, bow your head to your heart and feel deep, deep gratitude for who you are.
Carry that gratitude with you everywhere. You are a wonderful mother.
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